Jay Bell Books

Dumb Like Me

I’ve been in a love a few times in my life and was always happy to lose myself in the experience. The thrill of discovery, the emotions that threaten to overwhelm, and the heartbreak when it all falls apart. Yes, even the most difficult aspects of love are somehow alluring. As much as we might wish otherwise, reason cannot be applied to the curious emotion. There is no diagnosis or cure, and for those that enjoy its side effects, few reliable guidelines to ensure it will last. I have a niggling fear sometimes, when Andreas looks at me and I see that spark in his eyes, that one day it will fade. Or I worry that my feelings for him won’t stand the test of time, that the flame will be extinguished if I somehow fail to nurture it. Then I think of those that came before him, and I am comforted.

There was one person I loved, and for a while he loved me, and we kept trying. We came together in countless ways, always starting with the same dance steps before trying out a different rhythm, but it never worked. We hurt each other, we had little in common, and ultimately we were better off apart; but there was still love. All I can say in my defense is that I liked the way he made me feel. I hope he would say the same. I continue to love him, even after all these years, and this is what I take comfort in when I worry about Andreas. Love never truly ends. I can think back on that long ago lover and still find that spark, those long dormant feelings that were created but have never gone away. Not completely. I think if I saw this person years from now, old and hunched over in the grocery store line, my heart would still skip a beat.

Ben and Tim have that kind of love. Whether it is right or wrong, one of them good or bad, is beside the point. To judge their relationship as being reasonable or not is to ignore the chaotic force that binds them together. And really, isn’t the world full of couples like Ben and Tim? Those that argue, make each other cry, and yet cling to each other as if their lives depended on it? We may shake our heads in puzzlement, but if we could see them in their most private and intimate of moments, I believe we would witness something miraculous. It might be hidden in a laugh, or tucked away in a spontaneous kiss, but somewhere in there would be that sly, mysterious trickster called love.

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Movies I Must Have on Blu-ray (or my head will explode)

Blu-ray is a mixed bag for me. I find the only time it really shines for me is when new material is recorded with HD cameras. Otherwise, I don’t see that much improvement over DVD, at least not on my little TV. Regardless, there is a certain satisfaction in knowing that I’m buying the ultimate version of a film, and there are a number of releases that I’m eager to see.

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure – I love Pee-Wee Herman! His debut film is an absolute quotable classic. The commentary on the DVD, featuring socially awkward Tim Burton and subdued but informative Paul Reubens, is one of my favorites. I hope they don’t replace it on the new release, but I would love a nice documentary on Ruebens, the Pee-Wee craze, and some cast and crew interviews.

Return to Oz – Notoriously dark, this movie was criticized for being nothing like its chipper predecessor. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. The classic film has its charm, but I prefer the moody fantasy vibe that Return to Oz presents. I bought the DVD when it first came out and it’s one of those terrible widescreen shoved into full screen affairs. More recent DVD releases corrected this, but I’m holding out for the high definition version.

Lord of the Rings (Extended editions) – The LOTR trilogy is already out on Blu-ray, but naturally New Line Studios is trying to capitalize on fan impatience by releasing the theatrical version first. Annoying studio tactics aside, I hope the extended editions of each film can fit onto a single disc. Then again, those intermissions were always useful as a pee break and to grab another beer.

Finding Nemo – Even though I’d like The Incredibles even more, Finding Nemo is on this list because it keeps being pushed back, year after year. Pixar is really teasing us with this one. Or maybe they’re having technical problems. A high definition version of this film is a given, someday, so I’m not stressing about it too much. I do feel they’ve saved the best for last, so I’ll be excited when the final two Pixar films see a release.

Better Off Dead – Because I love the idea of a low budget comedy getting a high definition release. I’ve never owned a legitimate copy of this film, despite having seen it millions of times. All I ever had was a ratty, off-air VHS recording that was missing a segment in the middle. Finally buying the film after all these years would be a nice way of paying my dues, especially if they can wrangle up some extras this time.

Back to the Future Trilogy – This one is more of an honorable mention, since all three films will be released on Blu-ray this fall. The closest thing to American Doctor Who, (let’s ignore Bill and Ted) I’ve always adored these movies. Oh, all right! I’ve always enjoyed the first film and the beginning of the second film that takes place in the future. I’ve only recently gained an appreciation for the entire trilogy. Footage of the now defunct Back to the Future ride will be included on the set, fulfilling one of my biggest wishes so that I can relive that experience again.

So that’s it for me. What films haunt your high definition dreams at night?

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Denial

I awoke from a dream today and saw myself for the first time in a good long while. I gave a cordial nod and complimented myself on the genuine expression, especially as I hadn’t managed one as of late.

“As good as it is to see you,” I told him, “I’m afraid you simply can’t stay. You may have heard the news, but there’s a great many details you don’t know and that I don’t have the heart to tell you.”

He looked a bit confused as I sat down with a bottle and a glass and said my farewells. No matter what they say, you can keep a good man down. It’s letting him back up again that’s the trick.

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Thank You

My sincerest thanks to everyone for being so awesome and kind over the last few weeks. There’s a lot of love in this world, and that makes the hard times so much easier to bear.

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Those we carry with us

My dad died today. I think the reason that films so often portray the death process as being full of softly spoken final words, gentle tears, and the sad tickling of a piano, is that the truth is much too complicated to express. I’ve had such a strange mix of emotions this last week. There was relief at having reached my dad in time to see him again and despair at his condition. As his body deteriorated, I was disturbed by what we needed to do to keep him comfortable, but also filled with a sense of duty. Everything good and bad that my father had done in life was magnified in my mind, so there was forgiveness as well as happiness. There was also the fear of living life without my biggest safety net and the corner stone of our entire family. Toward the end there was anger at how drawn out the process had become, but mostly there was love.

Early this morning, during a groggy bowl of oatmeal, my mom rushed into the room and said that my dad was dying. I didn’t move. This had happened too often before. His breathing would stop and we would cry over him, both out of sorrow and relief, before my dad would start breathing again. A week ago, we were told he wouldn’t make it through the night, that no one in his condition could survive more than a day. And yet he did. More than once I had tried to convince myself to end his life for him and was thinking about doing just that when my mom interrupted my breakfast. Only when my oldest sister said my name with meaning did I push away from the table and rush into his room. When I got there, it was clear from the weak pulse in his neck that he was going.

He came back to us briefly, a statue come to life for the first time in days. Even the smallest movement felt gigantic; the clenching of his hands, the expression of effort on his face and his mouth opening and closing. And then he was gone. I didn’t cry. I’ve been mourning since we found out that his cancer was fatal, and I’d already done my share of crying during the week I helped take care of him. Hours later, I realized that the man I had seen die that morning, the one more helpless than an infant, was my father. Even though they looked nothing alike, this was the strong, loving man that had done everything possible to care for me and make me happy. The one that had accepted my every fault and forgiven me for countless stupidities. The man that held me when my favorite cat died, and wept because it hurt him to see me in such pain. As ridiculous as it sounds, it took me quite some time to connect the events of the last week with the rest of my father’s life. Only then did I cry, because he didn’t deserve such an ugly ending.

And yet the trying conditions of his final days made it so much easier to let go. My absolute certainty in the afterlife and in my dad’s continued existence are a tremendous comfort. I know with all of my heart that he is with people he loves, such as his mother. Strange to think that he once mourned her, as I do now, and that one day I’ll be with him again, just as he is with his mother now. It strikes me that mourning is mostly us feeling sorry for ourselves, crying at the idea of going without someone we love. I’m not sad that he’s gone because being here was painful for him. He’s okay now, and that makes me okay. We’ll all be okay in the end. I’ll miss him, but that’s a burden that feels more like an honor than anything else.

The weirdest thing about a loss like this is how life goes on. Despite feeling like a part of me is missing, I watch my favorite shows and joke with my family. I eat meals and I snack on cookies. I enjoy the sun, and busy myself with chores or my hobbies. Through all of this, I have my father in the back of my mind, his quirks and sayings, or the memories that we made together, and that’s how it will always be. I’ll never forget him.

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The State of Things

For those that don’t/can’t watch the video, my dad is succumbing to lung cancer. As of a couple of weeks ago he was still working and doing relatively fine. This turn of events was sudden, and with luck the end will be merciful in its speed. I’m flying home to be with my family now.

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