The Top Ten ACTUALLY Gay Action Figures
Written by Jay Bell on August 13, 2010 – 2:54 pm -Last time we looked at figures that were gay only by rumor or reputation. This time, all the figures listed are gay, as they are based on homosexual characters or openly gay celebrities. Some of these are silly, but a lot of them are cool. The figures are a lot racier too, since more than one of the entries below are anatomically correct. In case your browning from work, I made sure to hide all the nude pictures in text links only.
With great pride, I hereby present my top ten of actually gay action figures:
10. Gay Stormtrooper
Infamous bootlegger Suckadelic got his start with these Gay Empire Homotroopers. I keep debating with myself if these are completely stupid or praise-worthy pieces of art. Considering the custom enhanced crotch and the all pink armor, I’m pretty sure that they’re awesome. The Homotroopers are described as “on the march, kicking Family Values Fuckheads right where it hurts!” That’s certainly a sentiment I can get behind.
9. Lance Bass
Pop stars are all mindless puppets, so Living Toyz couldn’t have chosen a better format to capture the ‘N Sync boys as toys. If memory serves, these marionettes landed straight in the clearance aisle where they still haunt bargain hunters to this day. At least the likeness on these is pretty decent, and thanks to Lance Bass surprising nobody by coming out, we can all celebrate the existence of the first openly gay puppet. And hey, at least Lance’s puppet is easier on the eyes than the horrid Elton John doll. Are those ruby red slippers he comes with?
8. Northstar
I’m a DC Comics guy, which is a shame because Marvel has always been a bit more progressive about gay rights. Northstar is the first name you’ll usually hear when it comes to gay superheroes. His sexuality was revealed in a storyline back in 1992, a move years ahead of its time. Northstar deserves a better position on this list and would have had one if his action figure didn’t suck so bad. Toy Biz figures were never much for detailed sculpts or articulation, but in this particular case, you have to buy Northstar’s sister as well. Don’t you just hate guys that come with baggage? The figure isn’t very becoming either, but maybe Marvel Select will make a new and improved version one day. They could base it off of Northstar’s appearance in Marvel Swimsuit.
7. Freddie Mercury
How would you feel about handling eighteen inches of Freddie Mercury? Yeah, that’s right. Eighteen inches! Too much for you? Then grab yourself seven inches instead, but the bigger Freddie is electronic and plays clips from some of Queen’s greatest hits. Pretty neat, but for such a giant figure, it sure lacks in articulation, moving only at the shoulders, wrists, and neck. Still, it’s good to see Freddie immortalized in plastic!
6. Waylon Smithers
Some retailers refused to stock this figure based on its sexuality, which just goes to show how stupid the world was a decade ago. Part of Playmates Toys’ amazing World of Springfield line, Smithers comes complete with a photo of his hopeless straight-boy crush, Mr. Burns. Well, there’s no accounting for taste. For those who are feeling more festive, Smithers was also available in a resort version, straight out of the episode where Smithers goes on vacation in search of some man love.
5. Tom of Finland’s Rebel
No other art is as synonymous with gay culture as the work of Tom of Finland. His unforgettable images exaggerated everything sexy about the male body, the results of which are pretty damn hot. This figure does a fantastic job of bring the essence of Tom’s art into the third dimension. The Rebel figure comes with quite a bit of kit. His jacket, shirt and pants are all removable and his boots can be replaced by bare feet so that he’s totally nude. He also comes with a selection of swappable dongs. One cut, the other uncut, and the third… uh, I’m not really sure. (Click here for naked pics) The figure also comes with a condom to promote safe sex, one life-size for the buyer and a small one for Rebel to hold onto. I have to admit it; this one is going on my Christmas list.
4. Dumbledore
The argument could be made that Dumbledore’s sexuality should have been a part of the Harry Potter novels. The perfect opportunity came when his name was being slandered in the final book. Rowling felt there wasn’t room in the story, and maybe she was right, but I still respect her for outing him afterwards. Dumbledore is one of the most interesting and influential characters in the entire Harry Potter series and him being gay is a great moral boost for younger kids becoming aware of their alternative sexuality. As for the figures, neither of the actors cast really resemble the Dumbledore in my mind. I like the Richard Harris version a bit better, but there are quite a few different versions to choose from, should anyone want history’s most powerful gay wizard in their collection.
3.Billy Herrington
Star of many gay porn films, Billy Herrington claims to be bisexual. Then again, aren’t we all? Regardless, Herrington has become quite the internet sensation in East Asia. Viral video remixes of him are created to humorous effect, and these videos are often Rick Roll’d, intentionally mislabeled so that people will click on them. These videos became so popular that toy company Figma decided to produce a figure of him. Figma figures are simply amazing. They have ridiculous amounts of articulation and lots of swappable parts, including hands, feet, and even facial expressions! For whatever reason, they even created an extremely bizarre Halloween version. This figure about has it all, except for that one essential part that keeps his real life counterpart employed.
2. Captain Jack
This sexually charged Doctor Who hero has spawned a legion of fans for John Barrowman, the openly gay actor that portrays him. Captain Jack isn’t so different than John, since they both have mischievous, sexually-charged personalities. And yes, Captain Jack is gay. And straight. And robosexual, and apparently anything else that he can get his hands on. Mostly though, he seems to gravitate toward men, as his racier adventures in spin-off series Torchwood prove. Owning both Captain Jack and John Barrowman in figure form is about as cool as it gets. I guess that’s why they’ve made so many other versions (1, 2, 3) as well as a Tonner doll.
1. Totem’s Billy, Carlos, and Tyson Dolls
Yeah, I’m cheating here. You may have heard of the gay Billy doll already. It made minor media waves back in 1997 when it first debuted. I remember not being terribly impressed, mostly because Billy looks a little bit… uh, challenged. Thankfully inventor John McKitterick had Barbie proportioned aspirations for the line and expanded it with Billy’s attractive boyfriend Carlos, and their even hotter friend Tyson. These dolls were anatomically correct (not safe for work, but click here to see Billy, Carlos, and Tyson nude) so they have an advantage over ol’ Ken already. Just like the Barbie line, a number of outfits were available, as well as the dolls being prepacked in a number of occupational themes.
Billy isn’t the first gay doll. That honor goes to Gay Bob way back in 1977. But what Billy and company does represent is the first gay toy line, which is a phenomenal achievement. I’m not sure how successful of an enterprise these dolls were, but I wish they were still around. I would have loved to have seen some lesbian dolls added to the mix, and maybe a gay club playset. I have a feeling though that other enterprising souls will one day create more gay figures for us to enjoy. Until then, at least we have quite an eccentric mix to choose from; not only the figures in this list but no doubt others as well. If you know of any gay figures I didn’t mention here, be sure to let me know in the comments below.
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The Top Ten AMBIGUOUSLY Gay Action Figures
Written by Jay Bell on August 9, 2010 – 8:01 pm -Gay action figures! There’s more than you would might expect. Some are out and proud while others are still in denial. This list features ten of my favorite ambiguously gay figures. In some cases I chose these based on the unintentional innuendo of the figure, while others have more to do with the character represented. Regardless, none of these should be taken too seriously. Without further delay, here are the top ten ambiguously gay action figures:
10. Kamandi
I honestly know very little about Kamandi, but when I first saw this figure I thought it was bisexual Coley from John Blackburn’s erotic comic series. Kamandi is clad in nothing but a pair of daisy dukes and cowboy boots, giving him the appearance of a redneck rent boy who is down on his luck. The blond locks are flawless though, so I’m guessing he spends all his trick money on hair care products.
09. Tracks
How can a transforming robot be gay? Just think of Knight Rider’s KITT and you’re halfway there. Transformers fans blame his reputed sexuality on his snotty voice or the character’s obsession with his own appearance. For me it’s the lofty flying car mode, the “flaming” design on his hood, and that his best friend is hot Hispanic boy named Raul. Theirs is a forbidden love.
8. Prince Adam
Whether it’s the lavender tights or the pink vest his animated counterpart always wore, Prince Adam has long been accused of being light in his Eternian loafers. The cartoon series never bothered establishing a romantic relationship for Adam, and the subplot of the secret identity Adam is desperate to keep from his parents only adds to the mounting evidence. The only people Adam confides in are Man-At-Arms (a middle aged bachelor with a handlebar mustache) Orko ( a socially awkward fairy) and the Sorceress (an aging hag). But as Queen Marlena points out in the cartoon, “A mother always knows her own son…”
7. Bow
Masters of the Universe’s sister show, Princess of Power, is about as pink as it gets. Bow, the only male figure in the entire line, is a minstrel who favors golden sports bra armor that’s engraved with a heart. I have to admit, it’s a look he manages to pull of with surprisingly well. On the vintage packaging, Bow is described as being “She-ra’s special friend.” He might be a shoulder for her to cry on when those daddy issues with Hordak resurface, but I suspect he’s mostly there to get close to her hotty of a brother, Prince Adam.
6. Batman and Robin
This one is so obvious that I feel almost guilty for chosing it. The innuendo between Batman and Robin has been toned down in recent years, but there remains something a little bit odd about the long line of young lads that Batman takes under his wing. I can understand the first Robin. Bruce had a real thing for Dick, but since he left, Batman keeps replacing him with other young men that just happen to look exactly the same. Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and now Damien. Breaking up can be hard to do, but I think it’s time to move on Batman.
5. G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck
I’m not sure what sort of sailor Shipwreck is supposed to be. The style of his uniform is decades out of date for it to be Navy, not to mention that the colors are wrong. More than likely, Shipwreck put together this powerful ensemble himself. The anchor tattoo is so generic that it’s daring, and the parrot as a fashion accessory is both eye-catching and the perfect icebreaker. Looking the way he does, Shipwreck is guaranteed to instantly own any dock-side bar he strolls into.
4. Aqualad and Aquaman
There was a time when almost every superhero had a young male companion. The thinking was that the target audience, made up of preadolescent boys, would relate to the teenage sidekick and experience the thrill of fighting crime alongside their favorite hero. From a marketing point of view, it made sense. These days it just seems creepy. Or hot. I can’t decide which. Regardless, Aqualad was no worse than most such sidekicks, until this set of figures came along. Apparently his favorite form of travel is via a geyser of water to the crotch. His mentor, Aquaman, can swim through the water like a torpedo, and yet here he chooses to parade himself atop the ocean with the help of a very embarrassed seahorse. Just because you’ve got it, doesn’t mean you should flaunt it, boys!
3. Bert & Ernie
Ah, the original Muppet odd couple, and I do mean couple since they’ve been sharing the same bedroom ever since Sesame Street first hit the airwaves. Every Bert and Ernie sketch plays out like a modern sitcom dealing with the ups and downs of a marriage way past the honeymoon stage. Sesame Street has always been progressive, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see these two tying the knot come the day that gay marriage is legalized in the US. What should be against the law is the lack of decent Sesame Street figures out there. Palisades Toys got the license but went out of business before anything but Super Grover was produced. Such a shame.
2. Sam and Frodo
Not many people who saw the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy made it through without raising an eyebrow at Sam’s level of dedication for Frodo. There was a whole lot of love and tears involved, not to mention the constant servitude. Be it friendship or unrequited love, Sam and Frodo were an awesome team and their chemistry together was unforgettable. The figures produced for the three films range from great to masterpiece quality. For these reasons and more, these two happy hobbits deserve to be number two on this list.
1. Ken
Barbie’s estranged husband is the king of ambiguously gay action figures. Sure he’s considered a doll, but the difference is negligible. Ken’s story is a common one. He’s pretty, needs money, and has an aversion to hard work. What most decent gays in his shoes would do, is to find themselves a sugar daddy. Problem solved. But in the bizarre Twilight Zone world that Ken lives in, every high paying occupation is worked by Barbie. She’s both doctor and nurse, lawyer, dentist, president, and veterinarian. If there’s a position of the smallest esteem, then Barbie already has it monopolized. Ken can either suffer the grunge work that’s left over, or put on that fake plastic smile of his, squeeze his eyes together really tight, and take that elevator up to Barbie’s bedroom.
That’s it for our characters and toys of questionable orientation. Tune in later this week for the top ten list of figures and toys that really are based on gay characters or people.
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